 Encourage direct competition between parents.
I'm as new a man as the next guy. I cried at Terms of Endearment (15 minutes in) and feel a lump in my throat each time James Blunt comes on the radio. But let's face facts: a little bit of competition is fun. Go on, you too can relive that legendary Bouncer moment from Neighbours. All you have to do is place your child in the middle of the lounge, position one parent a piece at either end and then call, coo, sing and pull faces until he inches slightly closer to one than the other and thereby 'loves them the most'. Go on try it, it's the perfect family game for the holidays and only ever upsets one person at a time.
Forget about your wardrobe.
Tom has become adept at the hidden lunge. One minute he's playing nicely with a piece of shiny, clean plastic, the next he's wrapped around your legs and magically appears to have found half a crumpet. But wait, what's this! Despite the fact that he hasn't been given a crumpet for easily 30 minutes this one has retained every speck of butter. Also comes under the following headings: spare mauled raisin in mouth cavity, apple puree in hair trick, surprise discovery of peach in fold of trousers, funny face with bubbly flob on shoulder and, my all time favourite, the sudden porridge sneeze.
Let him get dirty.
I don't think that Tom has any exceptional ability in growing his fingernails and yet he does always seem to have what can only be described as Miner's hands for the vast majority of the time. We get him up, give him a quick wash, dress him neatly in freshly laundered clothes, pop him in the buggy and yet by the time you reach Starbucks he looks like Bruce Willis half way through Die Hard. This happens with boys apparently. Using the same natural forces that allow balloons to repel water young boys attract dirt, sand, mud, muck and small slimy creatures. Give in to the dirty side is my advice. He'll clean himself when he's fifteen and that girl he used to throw worms at looks at him with her head on her shoulder for the first time.
Allow some noise.
We have several friends with little girls who sit in one spot, smiling at the world, occasionally reaching for the odd pamphlet on Deforestation in Papua New Guinea or maybe chancing their hand at a particularly tricky Sudoku. Tom, alternatively, loves a good old bang. Never happier than when he's sprawling on a tiled floor, wooden spoon in one fist, stainless steel colander in the other. Hours can pass and you have nothing to show for the creeping minutes other than a tumultuous headache and dents in your kitchen. Still, keeps him busy.
Buy fridge magnets.
When you can't stomach any more clanging, or simply when the Noise Abatement Society has mentioned you on their website for the third day running rely on a variety of interesting fridge magnets to act as a soother. We first discovered this when babysitting Eva and Alice, two corking young lasses that have drawn a bit of a short straw with their parents. They have such a massive number of magnets in their kitchen that I'm rather surprised more planes don't crash into Shoreham Beach as they pass. Horrendous air disaster waiting to happen their house may be, but Tom loved it. He even spelt out his first word although neither of us knew what he was trying to say as we don't speak Slovakian. Boy's a genius.
Leave your toys at home.
We've all done it. Spent twenty minutes running around the house determined that our lovely son can't possibly leave for a whole morning without any input from oh! Polly at least, and then aah! Tato his Irish teddy and, surely not! Whisky the odd-dog, then two, no, three books, a rattle, a little drum, just a little one, puzzle cube, sticklebricks, inflatable bee, inflatable turtle, inflatable hedgehog and just one ball. Maybe two. What does he find fascinating when you finally reach your destination? The muddiest wheel on his buggy. It's round, dirty and dangerous. Brilliant!
Lie to your middle class friends.
'It's Marmite', when they squint at that suspiciously chocolatey stain on his forehead, whilst treating their babies to rice cakes lightly coated with raspberry puree.
'Eats a lot of foods rich in beta-carotene', whilst they cradle their off-white babies and frown as your tanned son crawls past them into their kitchen seeking wooden weapons of mass distraction.
Have a children's birthday party from the age of one.I know many people say they won't remember it but you really should have one. Personally I think these should be compulsory. And it's not only because we have to have one. It's not. It's not! Honest.
September 9 2006
Dave Fouracre aka "Dave the Dad" is a regular feature writer here at thebabywebsite.com. Read more about his hilarious experiences as a Dad. |
