Sorry if I sound like I'm moaning - I just had to get it out somewhere. I'm feeling so rubbish at the moment and there just isn't an end in sight.
My husband suffers from depression which has been worse since Theo's birth and has been compunded by money worries as he hasn't found a job. The problem is I have been having to take care of Theo almost single handedly because of this and I'm just so exhausted, fed up, tearful and I think it's making me depressed as I have no energy and can't face leaving the house. Summoning up the energy to play with Theo exhausts me even more and I feel like such a rubbish mum that I'm not taking pleasure in all the things he is doing or enjoying it as much as I should be. We don't have any family near by so there isn't anyone who can give me a hand and while my husband is making the effort it just isn't consistent enough to give me a break and I'm alway worried as it's a huge effort for him and he will tend to just stick Theo on his lap and get irritated when he gets cranky because he's bored. Don't get me wrong I love my husband very much and I'm trying to be supportive of him as I know how the depression affects him but I'm just so worn down right now. I keep welling up at the moment so feeling a bit pathetic.
Joined: 14 Jan 2007 17:48 Posts: 25544 Location: Strathaven, Scotland
(((hugs))) hun, sounds like you need some support from somewhere. Do you have a local Sure Start? I'm sure that's where Gillian got help from (she'll correct me if I'm wrong) Someone came and took some of the kids for the park and stuff to give her a break. Ask your HV hun, you might be able to have someone caome and take Theo for a walk to give you a break. Talk to your G and explain everything to him/her. If you have PND the sooner you get help the better hun. Do you have any friends that could take Theo for an afternoon? Or even just to come round for a coffee? I can't imagine what your going through hun, but hopefully there is something that can be done to help you xxxx
Thanks for the reply Yvonne. I'm just trying to keep an eye on how I'm feeling at the moment - it's more tricky as I'm trying to protect OH's feelings too and he allready feels like a failure (which isn't the case) and that makes his depression worse. I need to make a GP appointment anyway as I still have some problems since the birth but I keep delaying and our surgery has a one appointment per condition rule which puts me off wanting to go at all (silly I know). All my friends are at work during the week and none live locally but it is helpful to have this forum where I can at least get things off my chest. I'm off to have a look at whether we have a Sure Start near us - I have no idea how things work over here as it was all different in NI and I don't really know HV's, GP's etc.
Or maybe there's a playgroup you could go to, so that you could chat to the mums and have a bit of a break while the kids play together. It's so easy for everything to get on top of you, you definitely need to see what's out there to help you out so that you can have a break. And of course, we're always here for you too when you need a chat and a shoulder to cry on
Thanks Cheryl. He's a bit young to be playing with other children just yet but you are right that I really need to find any mother baby groups nearby to get to know other mothers. The main nct one is a car journey away and after a serious car accident when I was eight months pregnant I'm really nervous driving on my own.
Joined: 03 Feb 2009 00:24 Posts: 6074 Location: Windsor, Berkshire
Secondly, I can't really add much more to what Yvonne has already said, but knowing how sh*tty I felt generally after giving birth, I couldn't just read and run. I'm not going to insult you by saying that I know what you're going through, as I don't, but I just want you to know that I know how worn out and isolated you can feel, whether you have help looking after the LO or not! The one thing that helped me more than anything to snap out of the baby blues was to establish a support network. I kept in touch with some of the girls at my NCT group post birth and we all meet once a week for a couple of hours round someone's house. It doesn't sound like much but it really does help getting things off your chest, compare notes and generally build up a 'support group' so you know there are people to fall back on should you need them. Therefore, Yvonne advice is sound. Hope you can make use out of your local Sure Start group or can find some alternative. Until then, you've always got us to get things of your chest and have a good old moan when you feel the need to!
I have just emailed the nct coordinator for our area and arranged to go to a local drop-in group in two weeks time. At least it gives me something to aim for. I think you're right about the isolation - because I wasn't pregnant o giving birth over here I don't know anyone from before and I didn't bother in NI because I knew I was moving back so I really need to try and force myself to meet new people! I'm quite a shy person but I've become very good at hiding it and I'm finding it more and more difficult to push myself into situations where I have to be confident. I'm really glad that I found this site - there are so many lovely women here and you have been such a help to me over the past six months.
Joined: 14 Jan 2007 17:48 Posts: 25544 Location: Strathaven, Scotland
Good on you for phoning the NCT hun, it's a start and once you get to know more people locally life will become a bit easier. Hunt down some local mother & toddler groups. Just because Theo is young doesn't mean you can't go. Go along and get to know the other mum's and their kids (Theo will be a fab icebreaker!!). Your HV should be able to tell you of local groups, although when we moved back up here to live with my parents the HV claimed there were none in the town and East Kilbride is Scotland's 6th largest town and is flippin' huge!!! Of course, like a muppet, I believed her and left it at that, only to discover she was talking crap! You library might have some posters for local groups if your HV is as helpful as my old one!!!
Joined: 13 Feb 2008 20:44 Posts: 2853 Location: South Croydon, Surrey
Hi Emma, sorry to feel you are feeling so low. I go through phases when I feel like that too, James loves Oli to bits but tends to leave the 'mum' bits for me which can get really frustrating, especially when I do all the housework as well as I feel like i never have a break.
Plus like you, having no direct family or many friends around can make you feel really isolated.
I agree with the others, try to get out and meet other people. I randomly got friendly with another mum from Freecycle (i collected some baby things from her) and now we meet for coffee and go to the park etc. She encouraged me to go to baby groups too, and although i dont see the other mums outside the groups it is nice to be around other people.
I also take Oli to the shops and have got over my fear of sitting by myself in a cafe, and regularly go to starbucks around lunchtime for a drink and to give Oli his lunch!
Also the libraries around here do Rhyme Time, and what about the Toddler/Tumble/Gym groups?
Hope you feel better soon, and that you are still up for meeting on the 11th? I have the dentist at 10am that day but can probably be with you by 12ish i would think! xxx