i dont even know where to start with this. some of you will know that i left my partner some time ago now, he was a control freak, a bully and was abusive. Our son is 16 and loves his dad to bits, worships the ground he walks on. anyway i have found myself a new man!! at last he is wonderfall ive know him for 10 years but he had moved away to canada, he comes back to the uk on thursday hes given up everything to move back here so we can really try to make a go of things. my son is not impressed, he is friends with his son who still lives here with his mum and stepdad. my son wants to go live with his dad which is not possible at the mo cause he is living with family and they dont have the room. my son has become mouthy and even threw a football into my face tonight. when i try to talk to him hes says im not listening so dont waste your time, i spoke to his dad and asked him to spend time with his son this weekend but he has to go out clubbing (much more important im sure!) i really dont know how to get through to my son has anyone got any help im at my wits end.
I would say let your son find out what a waste of space he is for himself! I was the same at his age my mum would tell me what a waste of space my dad is and eventually let me find out for myself and now tbh i have disowned him! I hope everything will be ok tho x
Joined: 14 Jan 2007 17:48 Posts: 25544 Location: Strathaven, Scotland
HUn I'm not sure what to suggest. It's obviously hard for him to realise that you are moving on in life. Do you think it's the fact that you have a new man or is it the fact that he's his mate's dad that's getting to him? It's a shame his dad sees clubbing as more important than how his son is feeling, but in all honesty do you really think he would say anything 'right' if he himself was an abusive bully. He might see nothing wrong in they way your son is taking his frustration out on you. Is there anyone esle that can talk to him? Is it possible to talk to your new man's ex and see is her other half can have a word with him? Or maybe she can get her son to say something about the situation(that is if he's ok with his dad seeing his mate's mum of course). I really don't know what to suggest. 16 is an awkward age for boys as their hormaone have finally caught up with them! Girls hit the stubborn streak earlier. It's not easy being a teenager, we've been there, done that!
Maybe those with teenage boys can help more, so Kathryn, Julie & Janis might be able to help you a bit more hun xxxx
Personally I would take him out for a meal-just you 2 to talk with him. He cant create in a restaurant!
He really needs to tell you what is upsetting him.I know its hard when you're frustrated with him but try and make a big effort to listen to his viewpoint and come to a compromise somehow. I think he needs to feel valued.He has had a lot of upset and will be able to see for himself how little his dad cares.That wont help his self esteem. Because you're the closest to him he will take it out on you
Just hang in there hun and talk loads with him.I hope he opens up to you soon
Joined: 05 Jun 2006 14:50 Posts: 249 Location: Cardiff, UK
It's always a hard one this! The biggest responsibility and the hardest job is with your new partner. It is absolutely essential that there is no confrontation between him and your son. Even if your new bloke is angry about the way he is behaving at the moment, it must be you who speaks to him and not your new bloke.
The idea of a meal out is good, but just you and your son together. Try not to force anything because the more you do that the more he will dig his heels in and rebel. Simply ask him quietly to try to see things through your eyes, not his. Say that you know he is upset about you and your ex having separated, but also say that, whatever he thinks of his Dad, you don't intend to try to change his mind about that, but things need to move on.
Emphasise that your new partner doesn't have to be seen as a "new Dad", but simply a friend. It is important that your son knows that your new partner is not there to "fill the father gap" but as a new partner who makes Mum happy. In fact, you should encourage your son to see his dad regularly. If he is as bad as you say, then your son will eventually come to see what you mean and will warm to things on your side. If his Dad frequently makes excuses for not seeing him because he is 'clubbing' or whatever else, the message will eventually hit home.
At the end of the day, time will heal, but it can be heartbreaking in the short term. Teenage boys do see sense in what you say, but not straight away. They need a little time to reflect on things. Sow the seeds of thought at your meal out, if you decide to do that, and just back off for a little while and let him think.
thankyou for all the advice, i have explained to my son that Paul (new man) is never going to take the place of his dad, no one ever will. no one else has a problem with it my daughter (18) is fine about things, chloe (20 months) only cares if iggle piggle is on the tv (lol) pauls son is great about it all. i dont think its because its his mates dad, brendan just dose not like change, he would be the same if it was any one else. i have tried again today to speak to his dad but im getting nowhere. i think taking brendan out for a meal just me and him is a good idea thankyou. i will let you know how things progress but in the mean time all advice is very welcome.