If I had to produce a list of ten of the WORST products ever invented and manufactured, you would think that ground-breaking white elephants such as the Sinclair C5, the Ronco Buttoneer, and even various in-car Sat Navs and such would be up there. There have been some absolutely atrocious machines and devices launched into the consumer world over the last few decades, but my own experiences over the last six months have demonstrated that one particular item stands head and shoulders above all others. This is not because it doesn’t fulfil its original designated purpose but because of the profound destructive and demoralising effect it can have on the close friends and family of its owner.

This device can cause seismic shifts in behavioural patterns; can turn mild-mannered, rational individuals into slavering monsters; can instil sheer dread into their nearest and dearest every time they so much as pick it up from a coffee table. It breeds terror – sheer terror – into the hearts of those who are unlucky enough to be within earshot of the owner or user.

Imagine the initial irritation, the mild discomfort and the secondary mental symptoms that a parent who has just bought their four-year-old son his first set of toy drums experiences. Now multiply that by ten and you might start to understand the severe consequences this item has on the family’s well-being.

The most mild-mannered of other-halves would consider either suicide or worse still after living in the same home as an owner for more than a month. Family days out and holidays can become as stressful as an Ikea checkout when this item is taken along. What would have been a focus of one’s love and attention suddenly becomes a focus for venting of an anger so profuse that grown men have been known to cower in a dark corner to escape such wrath.

However, I must now point out that this product has a totally gender-variant effect. I bravely picked up and used this item myself not long after it appeared on the scene and guess what! I was impressed. I was actually very attracted to its intuitive interface. I was amazed that so much clever technology could be packed into such a small box. Ground-breaking technology like this doesn’t appear very often. I watched the short instructional video that accompanies this devilish satan-machine and was aghast at how brilliant the functions it offered were.

Why then does it, and can it, have such a profound effect on domestic bliss? I think the answer lies in compatibility – similar to the same way that Sickle-cell anaemia only affects certain ethnic sections of human society. It was designed wholly and perhaps who knows, even perversely, to be completely and utterly incompatible with a female variant of homo-sapiens. Women’s brains work differently to men’s. We all know and accept that. What the manufacturer has succeeded in doing here is exploiting a glitch or bug in the brain of the female that could result in the complete decimation of the human race. Introduce this technological virus into the female branch of human society and its poison will infiltrate and parasitically destroy the male and infant counterparts slowly and progressively.

And what, you all wonder, is this evil machine? In the words of the pioneering Steve Jobs:

“It’s three devices in one!

iPhone is more than just a phone. It combines three devices in one: a revolutionary mobile phone, a widescreen iPod, and a breakthrough Internet device. All that and more makes it the best phone you’ll ever use.”

He forgot or failed to append the all important fourth… “A devious, evil, anti-human, infiltrating, civilization-wrecking bacteria infiltrated via womankind.”

Apple announces their latest updates for the iphone 3G this week. We can hardly wait!

N.