How to give support Show you care. Touching and holding the distressed person can be helpful but be sensitive to their wishes. Just 'being there' can be more important than spoken words.
Allow the distressed person to express whatever he or she is feeling, even if these feelings seem intense and frightening. Try not to be judgmental.
Be available to listen to the parents talk as much and as often as they wish about the baby who died. This can be helpful for them.
Don't say "you can always have another baby".
Talk freely about the special qualities of the dead baby and do not avoid mentioning the subject. Use the baby's name. Suggest you look together at photographs of the baby.
Give special attention to the other children in the family, especially if the parents are too distressed themselves to give them comfort.
Offer to help with practical matters, eg. phoning, shopping, cooking and child minding, but avoid the temptation to take control.
Unless you are asked, do not pack away the baby's belongings. Never throw them away as this may be regretted later. Usually parents will deal with the baby's belongings when they are ready and this can be, for them, an important part of coming to terms with the death.
Never tell the grieving person what he or she should do or how they should feel. Everyone reacts differently and it is important to accept the differences.
Do not try to find something positive in the bereavement experience; that is something the parents may or may not want to do themselves later.
If you are not sure how the parents might feel about a particular situation eg. bringing your young child to visit, ask them in advance.
Don't be nervous about taking FSID's leaflets to the family. The parents and the rest of the family may get some comfort from reading them.
Keep in touch as the months go by, even just a telephone call now and then. Parents do not 'get over' the tragedy after any set period of time and continue to need the support of their family and friends. Anniversaries, Christmas, and special days are often more difficult times. Gradually, as time goes by, their extreme pain in their baby dying becomes easier to bear and hope comes back into their lives.
You may never know the value of the support you give but don't let that stop you from giving it.
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What Happens After a Sudden Death?
