Well, Lena is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line well behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself. So the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor ...and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package carefully ...between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.
'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
 The Ants' Day Out
There are two ants living in a girl's pair of panties.
One day they decide to go exploring in the caves. They said to meet back in the same spot in and hour.
So, one ant went in one cave, and the other ant in a different cave. After an hour went by, the two ants met back up.
One ant was covered in brown, sticky, smelly stuff. "Eeew!, What was your cave like" asked the other ant.
"It was nice at first, but it soon became really smelly and the walls were all dark and sticky" replied the ant. "So how was your cave ?".
"Well" he said, "It was lovely at first, all pink and warm, but then this bald guy started head butting me and then spitting on me."
The Worm Trick
Grandpa watched Tommy pull a worm out of the ground and told him that he would give him 10 pounds if he could put it back in.
Tommy left for a bit and said "Ok Grandpa, watch this". Tommy then pushed the worm right back down in the hole.
The Grandpa got out the 10 pounds and gave it to Tommy.
Tommy said "Grandpa I can't keep this because I cheated. I sprayed the worm with hair spray. That's why I was able to do that."
Grandpa said "No, you keep it."
The next morning at breakfast Grandpa walked up to Tommy and gave him another 10 pounds.
Tommy said "No Grandpa. You already paid me."
Grandpa replied "That money was from Grandma
The 3 Men
Three guys had to spend the night at a hotel and share a double bed.
In the morning, the guy on the right said "I had this great dream last night, that a girl gave me a handjob"
The guy on the left replied "That's weird so did I"
Finally, the guy in the middle said "Lucky for you guys...I only dreamt I was skiing"
Man Buys A Condom
A man walks into a chemists, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.
The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes."
Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.
About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."
 Men Are Just Happier People! What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.... The garage is all yours.... Wedding plans take care of themselves.... Chocolate is just another snack.....You can never be pregnant.... You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park..... You can wear NO shirt to a water park..... Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.... You never have to drive to another garage loo because this one is just too yucky for words.... You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt...... Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character..... Wedding dress £1500. Suit rental £100 tops...... People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered burp is practically expected..... New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.... Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat..... You know stuff about tanks.... A five-day short break requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars..You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.... If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £5.95 for a three-pack.... Three pairs of shoes are more than
enough... You almost never have strap problems in public.... You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.... The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades..... You only have to
shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life..... Your tummy usually hides your big hips.....One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons..... You can
wear shorts no matter how your legs look...... You can "do" your nails with a pen knife..... You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
A nursery pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.
" How did you know that the cat was dead" she asked him.
" Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.
" You did WHAT?!!" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
" You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."
This joke was originally published in the February 1998 issue of Parenting Magazine and it identifies some of the ways your attitudes change after your second or third child.
All Change.......
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your doctor confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.
The Baby's Name
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt, Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!
Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Wardrobe
1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little chest of drawers.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
A HELPING HAND
A woman accompanies her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor calls the wife into his office alone. "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder," he says. "If you don't do the following, your husband will die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant to him at all times. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. In the evening, prepare something exceptional for him, because it's important that he eats as varied a diet as possible. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, as it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. Make all his calls for him, and learn to use his Blackberry. And most importantly, make love to him at least six or seven times a week. If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asks his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die."
EATS LIKE A BIRD
A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the bonnet.
"Leave it with me," says the mechanic. "Come back in 20 minutes."
So, off goes the penguin. It's a pretty hot day, and he's a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99. Now, penguins aren't very good at eating ice creams – the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished his 99, he is completely covered in ice cream. It is all over his beak and all over his flippers. Feeling a little sticky, he goes back to the garage.
"Oh, hello," says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.
"Hello," replies the penguin. "Was it anything serious?"
"Not really, but it looks like you've blown a seal."
"Oh no, no, no!" says the penguin, wiping his mouth. "It's just ice cream."
Your Elbow
It is impossible to lick your elbow
Your Elbow
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow
Toughest Tongue-Twister
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick? is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language . . . try it
What do each of these eight words have in common?
Assess
Banana
Dresser
Grammar
Potato
Revive
Uneven
Voodoo
Scroll to bottom of page for answer for answer.
9 Months Later......
Two mates loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed" she explained. I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house. "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of hill-walking.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a solicitor. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the solicitor of that attractive widow he had met on the walking weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked:
"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our walking weekend up North?".
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry,mate. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(Bet you never saw that coming!!)
Bottle-Fed Baby
A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor.
After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breastfed or bottle-fed?"
"Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.
"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor.
She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table.
The doctor starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination.
He motions to her to get dressed, then says -
"No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!"
The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I haven't."
"I'm his aunt - but I'm REALLY GLAD I brought him in!"
Baby Birth
An old doctor went way out to the wilds to deliver a baby.
It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the labouring mother and her 5 year old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and smacked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.
"Well, hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!"
Parenting Stages
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!
Forty Thieves
Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences.
The first man said, " my wife was reading a "Tale of Two Cities" and she gave birth to twins."
"That's funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the Three Musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets."
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the Forty Thieves!!!"
Pain Swap
A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labour.
The doctor said to the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try. It takes some of the labour pains away from the mother and gives them to the father."
So the married couple decided that they would try this. The doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said "I feel okay turn it up a bit more"
The doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said "Why don 't you just put it all on me cause I 'm not feeling a thing?"
But the doctor warned them "this much could kill you if you're not prepared!"
The husband replied "I am ready", so the doctor turned the machine up to 100% and still the husband didn 't feel a thing.
So they went home, happy, with a pain free labour.
However, when they got home the postman was dead on the doorstep!
Where poo comes from
A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning where her Daddy is reading the paper.
"Where does poo come from?" she asks.
Father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:
"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"
"Yes," answers the girl.
"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."
The little girl looks perplexed, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:
"And Tigger?"
Courtroom Bloopers
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Manchester?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Liverpool?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in London?
A. No.
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q. What is your name?
A. Catherine Murray.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I 'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn 't know about.
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Lewis?
A. Well, a woman down the road had had several of her children by him, and said he was really good.
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
Q. Doctor, how many post-mortems have you performed on dead people?
A. All my post-mortems have been performed on dead people.
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn 't pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog 's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q. And lastly, Jimmy, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn 't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Q. So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn 't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness of this defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she 'd kill the sod - and she did!
Q. Do you drink when you 're on duty?
A. I don 't drink when I 'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn 't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
Q. (Showing man picture.) That 's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Answer: with each of these words, if you move the first letter the word to the end of the word, it spells the same word backwards. |
