|Flat Head Syndrome|
|After the Birth|
|Cows Milk Allergy|
|Stillbirth And Neonatal Death|
|Food Glorious Food|
|Health and Illness|
|Money, Money, Money|
|Twins and Multiples|
|Hair and Beauty|
|8 Out Of 10 Mums Say|
My much-loved baby, died from a cot death! As I type this I can hear the giggles and laughter of my 7 year old daughter Ruby......
At the same time I glance over to a photo on my coffee table. A gorgeous blue-eyed baby smiles back at me and my heart melts and breaks at the same time. That baby is Marnie Mae, my beautiful little daughter that could not stay. Marnie died in 2004 aged just six weeks to the horrors that is cot death (aka SIDS or Sudden Infant Death Syndrome).
After what was a shock discovery in finding out I was pregnant and a normal pregnancy, Marnie was born in September 2004 weighing 8lb 12oz. A beautiful, chubby little girl who loved her food, her cuddles and who managed to light up a room with her presence.
Why Me?I found Marnie dead in the early hours of Bonfire Night 2004. It has been almost 8 years, but the horror of that night will remain with me, plain as day, for the rest of my life. I lived on a permanent rollercoaster of devastation, guilt, anger and all-consuming sadness. The ‘why me's?’ were never ending. But above all I just missed her so much. Her smell. Her cuddles. Some days I did not even have the strength to get out of bed. For days.
Thanks to the CONI scheme (Care of the next Infant) Ruby was attached to a apnoea monitor, an alarm which would go off if Ruby did not breathe for longer than a few seconds. It went off. Frequently. Every time it went off I felt like I could have had a heart attack. I often wondered whether these were false alarms or whether Ruby too had stopped breathing.
In time the barriers came down and the love I felt for Ruby was incredible. I started to smile again. But I would still wonder about Marnie constantly. I wondered what she would be looking like now and whether she would be like Ruby. I felt angry that she missed out on everything Ruby was enjoying. I felt sad that the girls were not together. It got to a stage however where I felt I had to do something positive.
Marnie Maes Place (www.marniesplace.co.uk) is a website for bereaved parents that I have constructed. It is there to support bereaved parents and there is also information so that you can keep your baby safe.
By Chantal Lockey