Tears For Sara Louise - A Daddy's Story
I wrote this after my daughter, Sara Louise was stillborn on July 24th 2005. It shows the process that we went through from finding out that we were expecting right through to how we are coping since we lost our little girl.
I have read many accounts by Mums who have gone through similar circumstances but not many written by the Dads. So this hopefully will tell the story through a daddy 's eyes.
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I don 't know if this will help anyone else who has to endure what this daddy went through. I don 't know if anyone will get to read it. All I can say is that it has helped me to read the accounts of others via the SANDS website. Joining the forum there has also provided me with a great deal of strength and inspiration. I have said in one of my posts on the forum how I see it as a club. Nobody wants to be a member and it is the last club that anyone would want to join, but once you do join you feel so much warmth and comfort and I would recommend it to anyone who has suffered the loss of a child whether it has been recently or even years ago..
Tears For Sara Louise
(A Daddy 's Story)
When we first discovered that we were going to have another child our world was turned upside down. So many questions ...Do we want to know what sex? Could it be twins? Could it be more?? Will we need a bigger house? As it turns out the biggest question of them all would turn out to be ...
When is it due?
According to our calculations we were firmly convinced that our baby was due on or around 2nd July. Nothing too strange about that you would think. However, that would mean that the baby would be due one day after Tracy 's birthday. What a way to spend your birthday. The possibility of spending it in hospital was bad enough. Added to that the thought that the summer was fairly hot and you can see what we were thinking. Our calculations were not based on any technical input such as scans or anything but solely on the dates that we worked out according to Tracy 's last period.
Eventually we saw the Doctor and then in turn we met our Midwife. Together we discussed dates. Last period, history of previous pregnancies, calculator out ... due date. Again the calculations matched and on our notes were written down as July 2nd.
Weeks and weeks passed before the inevitable visit to the hospital for our scan. We sat down and Tracy prepared for the cold gel to be applied. There was still nothing unusual. Then it was time to see the scan in action. There it was - the proof beyond all proof that we were going to have a baby. No we did not want to know the sex. We did however get a copy of the picture, as we had done previously. But, that is where things started to go a bit weird.
The scan results suggested that the due date was not 2nd July after all, but according to the scan the due date was 17th July. That 's a difference of approximately 2 weeks. Somehow we must have got our dates wrong! The due date was then changed on our notes. From the time of the scan until we entered hospital months later our date was written as July 17th.
We had the customary visits to and from the midwife. Throughout the pregnancy Sonia was terrific. In fact everyone that we dealt with from beginning to end was terrific. Nobody could have predicted what would happen later on, especially as Tracy had given birth to two perfectly normal babies previously.
So what did go wrong then? Why are we writing this instead of having to change a dirty nappy ...?
Throughout the whole time we were getting more excited. We even started arranging a house move. Even if we stayed where we were we would have had to rearrange the rooms. As we could find a house close to where we were which was £100 cheaper in rent and with the added benefit of lower Council Tax. More money would be available for the new baby and all that comes with it!
As the time grew closer we had no idea that things could or would possibly go wrong. We started to buy little things. We put them with the welcome packs and baby packs that become available to you when you are pregnant. Things like supplies of nappies, bottles, sterilisers, breast pump & pads, books, cream, the special washing powder that they recommend for children, and loads of other things. In fact the "bottom" draw soon turned into the bottom, middle and top draws! Then finally with only a matter of days before the original due date the "family cot" came. Over the years just about every baby that has been born since Tracy, has slept in that cot at some stage.
Then the day passed when we thought our baby should have been born. Not pains, in fact the day passed by very uneventful. Maybe we were wrong after all. But then when has any baby come exactly on time! They make up their own minds don 't they? Days passedand eventually (21st July) Tracy decided to contact the midwife. Nothing out of the ordinary to report, baby 's heartbeat very strong.
Friday 22nd July, no need to panic, but, we think the baby is coming. Contractions were very feint and not as frequent as you would expect to go into emergency mode. We did call Tracy 's Mum & Dad over just in case something happened in the middle of the night. The kids went to sleep eventually, along with "Nannie & Grandad", while we made sure that the bag was packed and ready.
Saturday 23rd July, it is now 02.00am and Tracy suddenly wakes up, (not that she had been asleep much!) "What 's up? Is it time?" I asked ..."NO!" came back the reply, "It 's stopped I can 't feel anything!" Tracy continued. As dawn broke we decided to make a few phone calls. When we got through to the Labour Ward we were told that there was no need to panic, and that if there was no change at lunchtime then we should call again.
Well, lunchtime arrived and there was no change so we phoned again. "OK you better come in so that we can check you out!" we were told by the voice on the end of the line. We got everything together. Mum & Dad drove us up there. No need for them to hang around though as we would be ages before anyone would see us! So, they went off to sort the kids out.
We were taken to a bed straight away. The midwife came and had a look, asked some questions and then went away. Then she came back, switched on the machine and prepared the gel, had another look and decided to call a colleague. She duly arrived and repeated the process. Perhaps the machine was not working properly. It might be better if we got a different machine! New machine arrived and the process begun again. Still no signs, the midwives never seemed to panic, but all of a sudden I caught a look between the two of them. What happened next seemed to be happening to someone else. In fact I seem to recall watching this episode on Casualty or Holby City a few weeks earlier, it was not happening to us. "We will need to get a doctor to see you, it might be that your baby has turned back to front and so we need a doctor to look more closely for us!" The two midwives went off and I looked at Tracy, part of me hoping that this was the case. The baby was fast asleep and has turned itself around! Time to wake up baby. It was not long before the doctor came. He had a look and switched on the machine, he too got no response. "We need to use a proper machine." The other two were presumably fake then!! We waited for another machine. When it came it too must have been fake as it gave us the same result. Then the words that seemed to take an eternity to leave his lips ..."I am so sorry but there is no heartbeat. It appears that your baby has not survived. We can still do a few more tests but I must make you aware that you may have lost your baby."
Well they did a few more tests and felt a bit more and pressed a bit more and prodded a bit more. It did not matter, as the result was still the same. All that the doctor could say was "I am so sorry, I am so sorry."
Then came the first of some impossible choices that we had to make. The doctor told us that we should wait for Tracy to go through the whole labour process. "Why?" we asked. "It would make it safer and easier for you if you did, there would be less chance of complications." Came the answer. "Do you want to go home and get some rest and come back in the morning?"
Mum arrived not long after, I broke the news to her and then we went out to the car park, to tell Dad and the two children, Mum went over to Dad and I got in the back of the car to tell the two children. After a big hug and a lot of tears, I went back into the hospital. Dad took the children off. Mum and I went back down to the ward to Tracy. I then rang my parents.
A few hours past and Dad came back with Tracy 's sister Lisa. There were the obvious hugs, tears and kisses. Then we left the ward to go home for the night.
Sunday 24th July 2005.
We woke up! Well that was not strictly true, as we had not slept. Coffee, no breakfast, not sure we would have been able to keep it down. Then we rang the hospital to let them know we were coming in. My Mum and Dad arrived to take Shania off. Tracy 's Mum & Dad (who had stayed for a second night) drove us to the hospital. Tracy 's Mum came in with us.
We arrived at the labour ward and were shown into our own room. From that moment on we were looked after just as well as if we were in a hotel. It was weird. From the doctors to the cleaning staff they could not do enough for us.
At 10.00am the midwife inserted the pessary that was supposed to induce the labour. An hour later Tracy started to get pains. These pains continued for hours. In fact they went on until about 17.30 when they got very strong. Up until then Tracy had only been taking gas and air. From 17.30 she realised that the pains were getting stronger so the midwife went to get some pethidine. She came back at about 18.00 and injected the pethidine into Tracy. It had not had chance to take effect because moments later 18.11 our baby came out, weighing 5lb 14oz. The midwives were about to clean her up and pass her to Tracy when all of a sudden we asked what sex? We did not know until that moment what we were having; we were old fashioned that way!!
The midwives handed the baby to us and told us "Your baby is a little girl." We hugged our daughter. She looked so peaceful and as if she was sleeping. I remember looking at her and cuddling her and for a moment thinking that maybe they were wrong and that she might start breathing very soon and we would all go home happy.
Then, just when the tears and the shock hit us we were about to be sent some more. The midwives brought in a camera and took some pictures. Then they took Sara Louise (as we had decided to name her there and then) next door to clean her up. There was a problem with removing the placenta. For an hour they had tried to get it out but had not succeeded. All of a sudden Mum and I were distracted by Tracy who suddenly started saying something strange. "I 'm going, I 'll be there soon darling!" At that moment one of the midwives came in and pushed the emergency button. Then it was like watching another episode of Casualty. The room filled up with doctors, nurses and God knows who or how many others.
I was told that there was a complication with Tracy. But I thought that the whole idea to go through the birth was to stop the complications. Tracy had lost a lot of blood and the placenta was not removed earlier so they would have to operate. They took Tracy away and Mum and I just looked at each other, shook our heads and fell into each other. I don 't think I had got that close to her Mum before, I am not that sort of bloke!
We both went up to the lounge area and found Dad, my Mum and Dad and Tracy 's Nan. We huddled together in a circle, looking similar to a sports team prior to the start of a match. All except for my Dad who just put his hand up and sat in a corner on his own. We made some drinks and continued in our circle. Tracy 's Mum then seemed to start talking in what can be best described as gobbledegook!
Eventually the midwife came back for us. We got back into the room just before Tracy arrived. They brought Sara Louise back into our room and one by one the family got to hold her. One of the midwives brought the camera back in and took some more photos. First me, then Mum, Dad, Nan, my Mum, Dad, then Tracy, finally back to me. An hour or so later the family left. I stayed by Tracy 's side. The midwife came in and asked if we would like to dress Sara Louise for some photos. Tracy had been in and out of sleep. We had some photos taken in the outfit that we had brought in to take her home in. We took some photos of Sara Louise in a cot, then with us, and then the midwife and I held her and took her tiny handprints and footprints. Finally she cut a lock of Sara Louise 's hair. The prints, and hair were put into a tiny booklet. Then Tracy went back to sleep. I stayed awake for hours. I asked the midwife for a pen and some paper. She duly obliged. At about midnight I found myself writing a poem for my little girl. The midwife kept coming in and asking if I was ok and she persuaded me to have some toast. Lots of toast. I also remember at one point she came in and along with a pile of toast and jam she had put a little chocolate on the plate. I thought at the time it was really sweet of her.
The following morning when Tracy woke up we were visited by a number of doctors and various other people. One person who was fantastic throughout the whole time was Mandy, one of the hospital chaplains. She talked with us, sat with us, and prayed with us. She came in and out to see if there was anything that we needed or wanted. On the Monday she came in and did a naming ceremony for us. In the room for this were Tracy, her Mum & Dad, Nan, my Mum & Dad, Tracy 's sisters Lisa and Victoria and Aunty Marcy. The little service was lovely. We then had some more photos taken with each person there pictured holding Sara Louise. What moved me even more during the service was the fact that Mandy started to cry and got upset too. In actual fact I began to realise that one of the midwives had also got upset. I could not understand how people who must deal with this situation would get so upset. It proves that we are all human, and even the professionals have feelings.
For the rest of the afternoon it seemed like an endless stream of doctors, giving us tons of information. We had been given leaflets and booklets to read. Then one doctor came in and spoke to us about what we wanted to do next. We spoke about our options and it did not seem as if we took long to decide what we wanted. We gave our permission for a post mortem. Our reasons were simple. We were told that we might never find a reason for why this had happened. As far as we were concerned if we did not have a post mortem we would always go on thinking what if, or if only we knew why. So for that reason alone we wanted to have a post mortem done. Then from out of nowhere I started thinking of other parents who might be put in our situation. I then said if a post mortem could help prevent another couple from going through what we had then it would also be worth it.
Eventually we were given a load of papers to read and sign. To be honest I ended up asking where I had to sign just to get it over. We were given a complete run down on what to expect, how long it would probably take, what results that they would be expected to look for, what tests they would carry out. Then came something that I had not even thought about; "As you know there has been some scandals recently about what happens during and after a post mortem for children! I can assure you that things have changed since then and that your baby will be taken to Oxford and treated with the utmost respect!" What I had seen on the news and read about in papers had never crossed my mind; then again being in this situation had never crossed my mind either. The doctor than said to us that this is not as rare as people think. Apparently this happens to every 1 in 200 births. All of a sudden I wanted to be 199 or 201 but not 200. I looked at him and then thought nobody should be going through this if it wasn 't us it would be somebody else, and this is one of those situations that you don 't wish for your worse enemy.
Eventually all the relevant paperwork was signed. The midwives came in and told us what was going to happen next. Tracy was given a load of medication and checked that she was ok to go home. Aunty Marcy placed a tiny teddy bear in the crib; she always does that with newborn babies. The room cleared of family and this left Tracy and I alone to say our goodbyes. Tracy gave Sara Louise a hug and a kiss. The midwife then said if there was anything that we wanted Sara Louise to take with her it would stay with her and be looked after. I felt a scratching on my neck. I went to feel what was irritating me and my hand felt the Saint Christopher and Chinese ingot that Tracy had given me not long after we had met. I took it off and placed it on Sara Louise and kissed her. I then told her I loved her and finally said goodbye.
Tracy and I left for home. I remember that we had not been home for long when the phone rang, it was one of the midwives at the hospital. She had been sorting Sara Louise out and had come across a gold chain. It was mine and I explained that the Saint Christopher was to protect her on her journey and that the ingot contained a Chinese inscription which in English read "Two hearts One Soul!"
I then phoned my eldest son who lived with his mum in London. He got very upset, as did his mum. Not long after she rang to tell me that she was going to bring him down. James was going to come down for the summer holidays anyway which was just after he had gone away to Army camp. The next weekend they arrived and James and I went downstairs to look through pictures and the book that I had started to compile. His mum had told me that he had not taken it too well when his brother had brought his little girl around just after he had found out about Sara Louise. We sat and hugged and cried. I asked that James did not take his frustration out on his niece and he said that he would be ok now.
The doorbell rang and continued to do so for the next few weeks. People coming to pay respects, to say hello and that they were thinking of us, to deliver flowers, cards, etc. etc. A neighbour of ours who had been away suddenly drove up as I was sorting out the dustbins and got out of her car to ask if I was a dad yet. I ended up sobbing my heart out in the middle of the road. People who we never knew sent messages and flowers; the nursery where Shania went sent us flowers and a card.
Our community midwife came to visit and could not get over what had happened. She kept saying how she felt sick, and wondered if she had done anything wrong. She kept saying sorry. It is amazing how many people kept saying sorry. Why? What had they done? Maybe if I knew that then I could blame somebody and perhaps I would feel better. But, as far as we knew, she had not done anything wrong and to that matter nobody had.
The following weekend we moved to our new house. Messages still came. Our new front room looked like a florist shop. People from work came around and brought cards from colleagues. Particularly moving was a gift and card from the young people that I work with. They don 't get much money but had all decided to club together to buy me a rose bush in a container.
Not long after we had settled into our new house we were making funeral arrangements. My best friend whose wife had had a little boy weeks earlier helped me sort out the death certificate at the Registry Office. He then took me to a garden centre and bought a Rose Bush "Remember Me" in memory of Sara Louise. We had decided that following her cremation we would all come back to our house and have a planting ceremony at home. There was no guarantee that following a funeral Sara Louise would remain where she was, apparently babies are put in a communal grave and are sometimes moved! Following a cremation because she was so small there might be no residual aches! So in the end we decided on a cremation anyway, which would be followed by a planting ceremony at home.
We went to the undertakers to make the arrangements. As my family were connected to the Salvation Army we had asked the local Officer there to conduct the service. He had only just moved to the area himself. In fact instead of moving in with his family and getting used to the area with them, he spent most of his first week with us. Tracy and I wanted everything done a specific way and this would not be a problem. We asked for two hymns, Abide With Me, and Be Still My Soul. We also asked that during the committal for a song by Libera to be played, Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep. We asked for a specific Bible reading, it was the same one that Mandy had read during the naming ceremony, finally we asked that the poem I had written be read out. Major Smith just filled in the blanks, and we could not have wished for a better person to do this for us. We asked that only family flowers to be sent but if anyone wanted to do something they could make a donation to Derriford Hospital Special Care Baby Unit (SCBU). We did not realise that for stillborn births there was no charge for the funeral. Obviously the car, notice in the paper, flowers and organist would cost but we would not have to pay anything else. This again set questions off. We suddenly thought, how do you cope with expenses for a child 's funeral anyway? You are prepared for a parent or older person but not for your child. In the end the total sum came to just over £200. We asked for one car for Tracy and myself, both Mum 's and Dad 's and Nan.
We then had to make another tough decision. When do we want to have it? James was away at Army camp and he had already been down to be with us. He was near Scotland and getting him back would have been difficult. Shania would be 4 on August 21st and there was no way we wanted to spoil her day. So we both agreed to have it the week before. Then the day finally came. We agonised over the other two children, should they go or should they not? In the end it was decided that it would be best for them to go out for the day with some friends. We also asked that people did not wear black.
We arrived at the crematorium and waited for what seemed an eternity. Then we were led in whilst everyone waited outside. The music was playing as we walked slowly towards the front. We had taken a rose from our garden and Tracy and I walked up to the tiny white coffin and kissed the rose and placed it on top of the coffin. At the bottom of the rostrum on which the tiny coffin had been placed there was a blown up photo of Sara Louise.
We stood back and made for our seats, aware that the seats were filling up behind us. We sat down and opened the order of service. Everything that we wanted, in the order that we wanted it. I kept swallowing hard to hold back tears, I had to be strong, my wife was standing next to me, and I couldn 't let her down. First came Abide With Me.
" ...Where is death 's sting? Where grave they victory?" Right in front of me that 's where! No! " ...I triumph still, if thou abide with me." I had to believe it, if I didn 't what hope do I have? What hope do any of us have? Then came a prayer. Major Smith also read out a letter that my brother had sent from Brazil where he and his family are living and working. Then came the Bible reading, Mark 10: 13-16 " ...Let children come unto me, do not hinder them ..." We had asked our friend Andrew to read it for us and he found it hard getting through the words. Then came another hymn and another struggle to hold back the tears. Be Still My Soul. " ...Bear patiently the cross of grief and pain ..." Lump in my throat and squeezing Tracy 's hand. Victoria had wanted to read my poem but in the end Aunty Marcy read it as Victoria had found it too difficult. Then to end with came the actual committal, with a CD playing Libera singing "Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep." It was a song that I had heard whilst watching Classic FM TV.
At the end we walked back out to see the family flowers. I looked up and stared at the stained glass window above the door. If I kept focussed on that I would be all right. If I looked down I would fall to pieces. We got outside and stood for a while looking at the flowers. Then I went around and thanked everybody for coming and invited them back to our house. Mandy the hospital Chaplain was there along with many other friends, family and other people we did not expect to be there. I was amazed by how many people there actually were. We asked that the flowers were brought back to the house.
We arrived back at home and called for the children to come back. When they arrived we all went into the front garden and planted the rose bush, which my friend had brought for us, and in front of it was a plaque, which had been inscribed with her name and the words "Playing with the angels." The plaque had been attached to a deep purple coloured stone, which I had got from a DIY Centre, washed and covered in varnish. Around the rose bush and the plaque we placed the family flowers. Now we would be able to see it every day from our window. We would not have to visit the cemetery or crematorium. The only thing wrong was the fact that we did not have any ashes to spread around the rose bush.
After the funeral there came a period of nothingness, nothing apart from waiting, waiting and more waiting. With the waiting came all sorts of feelings and questions. Why haven 't we heard anything? Should we call the hospital? Then finally came the news, the results of the post mortem were back. We finally got the call to see the consultant, an appointment was made for the 21/09. We were very anxious. Both Tracy and I had seen our GP on a couple of occasions, in fact she had come out to our house. We had not had to go to the surgery. Again there was nothing that she would not do for us. Eventually I gave in and asked that I have some sleeping tablets to make sure that I could at least get one decent nights sleep, as I was about to go back to work very soon.
I went back to work, feeling apprehensive, sick, and afraid that too many people would ask too many questions, afraid that I would not cope. It was Monday 12th September. It was not as bad as I first thought it would be. They had all missed me, they all wished me well, they all wanted to hug me and make me feel better. There were messages from the people from other agencies that I dealt with, and a couple of cards etc. Then I had to go and face my young people. One of whom who was heavily pregnant. She came in and straight away told me I had been missed and that she was glad I was back. Then more young people arrived. It was strange, as a few of the old faces had moved onto college and work whilst I had been away. In fact one of my first tasks when I got back was to interview some new young people. I suppose this helped in a small way as new faces did not ask how I was and tell me how sorry they were. Eventually I had to attend a meeting with the folk from the local Social Services Care Leavers Team. I found that this was harder than going into my own office. Everyone wanted to hug me or shake my hand, pat me on the back, or wish me all the best. Some wanted to know if we had heard anything from the hospital.
The date for our original appointment was changed and we ended up going to see the consultant on 26th September, just over 2 months since Sara Louise went away. We arrived and were taken to a quiet room away from the mums and babies, but still close to the labour ward. We were offered a drink, and as we were sipping our coffee and tea our consultant came in. For the next 15 - 20 minutes (it actually seemed like hours) he told us everything that was reported in the post mortem. Some of it made it 's way into my brain but I have to admit some of it just went right through me. I would wait until we had the report sent to us to try to digest it.
I am still not sure if I have got it right but what it all boils down to is that Sara Louise was going to be a very small baby had she survived. The indications pointed to the placenta not functioning properly and that it had started to degenerate thus probably causing her death. He then said something that moved me. He said, "I would like to say that you have both acted so brave throughout this whole experience. The staff here have remarked on the way that you have been extremely dignified and I can assure you that some members of staff felt very moved by you both." I then said to him "I would like to thank all of the staff for their efforts, their kindness and help throughout, we were treated with the utmost dignity and although I had obviously seen and read a lot of negative reports about this hospital as far as I was concerned I had experienced nothing like any of those reports.
We came out of the hospital relieved that we had not done anything that caused our daughters death, but still upset. Come to think of it what could we have done to cause it ourselves? Neither Tracy nor I smoked and we never spent time around anybody who did or at least did whilst around us, and neither of us drank. You always hear how much of a risk you take if you do smoke or drink when you or your partner is pregnant. That reminded me of the young girl in my group, she did both; again the selfish streak took over, how come? Where is the justice?
Tracy 's Dad was there to pick us up. He could not understand why there was no real answer to why this had happened. We got home and told the family what we had been told. At least now the healing process could begin, couldn 't it?
Another step on the long road came in the form of attending a service at our hospital the Sunday after we had been to see our consultant. We arrived thinking that there would not be many people there. We were wrong. The chapel was packed. Mandy was there as were a number of the other hospital chaplains. I was a little shocked that there were so many people there, people who knew what we were going through. We were given a card to write our babies details on. During the service we were invited to the front to light a candle and place them on the altar. There were a lot of candles. The Mums who were there were each given a single white rose. Then came the part of the service that really touched me. All of the cards were taken to the front and placed on the altar. Our attention was drawn to an apple tree, which was to the right of the altar. Each card was taken up and the message on them was read out. As soon as the card was read it was handed over and tied onto the tree. At the end of a very emotional service some parents talked to each other, some just had some tea or coffee, some just sat quietly. We made our way to the table on which there were placed two books of remembrance. We turned the pages of the books until we came upon the page where our little one 's name was entered.
It was not long after this service that I managed to get our computer sorted. Until then it had not been a priority. One of the first sites that we logged on to was the SANDS one. I have been logging on ever since and now starting to wish that we had a group here in Plymouth. Some of the people seem really friendly even though I haven 't met any of them yet. I think that it has something to do with the fact that we have all gone through the same thing more or less. I seem to detect that most of the people who post on the Forum are Mums, although there are a number of Dads that are starting to communicate more.
That more or less brings me to where I am now. How do I cope? I don 't know, I just do. Sometimes I want to explode, sometimes I just want to sit down and cry. How do I feel? Well, that depends on what day it is! Shocked, sad, deflated, tired, broken, guilty, angry but not at anyone in particular, and just occasionally I might even feel brave enough to smile and have a laugh.
How has all of this affected our relationship? Tracy and I have our moments too. We talk and we cry. Sometimes the feelings get too much and we just want to shout at each other. At times we feel closer than we ever did before, but there are also times when we feel so far apart. To be honest we have both spoken of this lately and it is difficult to remember when we both had a decent nights sleep, and come to think of it, it is equally hard to remember when we last had any passion in our lives.
What has helped is the fact that I have been able to put a lot of the stuff that is in my head down on paper. When I did my counselling training, a few years ago now, one of the first things I learned was to write everything down. It is a good way of releasing it all, and much better than keeping it bottled up. I know that this does not work for everyone but it certainly works for me. It has also helped that I can write poems or lyrics. I am sure that if I could write music I would be able to turn some of them into songs. There are times when I find it easier to write than I do to talk. With my wife I can talk, but at the same time I can write my feelings and words down and let her read through them and this seems to work too. At least she does get to know how I feel. I know that there are some men who would not dream of letting their guard down and their partners never get to know what they are feeling. It 's how they cope with things. When it comes down to it you have to do what is best for you and what works for you, and these pages are what works for me.
I don 't know if what I have written will be of any help to anyone else, or if anyone else would want to read it anyway. Some may find it useful but others may find it too painful to deal with. Again, there is no way of knowing what is best.
So what of the future? I really don 't know. I guess if I did I would be making lots of money right now. I think I feel like an alcoholic attending one of the AA meetings. ONE DAY AT A TIME isn 't that a motto of theirs. Before July 24th Tracy and I had discussed what we were going to do after the baby had arrived. We decided that with another mouth to feed, four is enough. Tracy said that she wanted to be sterilised after we had the baby. It made sense to me. Now, a few months after losing Sara Louise she has been talking to the doctor about her options. As it stands now she does not want any more children. The doctor has suggested that she does not make any decisions just yet. To be honest I think that the doctor is right. It is too early to think about that. It is too early to think about another baby too, maybe. I guess the man in me has the attitude that he does not want his last attempt at having a child to have been a failure. Selfish of me, perhaps, but I think that if we made any decision now it would be the wrong one. We would always go through life wondering "What If?" or "I Wish We Had!" Yes we are lucky, unlike some people who have gone through, going through or will go through what we have done, we have three kids, some have none and perhaps never will.
The consultant has reassured us that should we consider having another baby in the future the chances of having a similar outcome are less than 10%. In fact due to our circumstances he said that we would be kept a closer eye on anyway. It 's a shame that every mum isn 't kept a closer eye on in the first place, and then perhaps I wouldn 't be writing this. Apparently Tracy would be induced at about 38 weeks. It 's a shame we never had that option this time, and again I wouldn 't be writing this.
Now almost a year after all this happened, we decided that we would not allow others to feel the isolation and aloneness that we felt sometimes. We approached SANDS and after a number of conversations and attending the Befriending Training, Tracy and I were able to start up Plymouth-SANDS support group. We have had our down times too. After our first Christmas we then had our first Mother 's Day. At the time I am writing this I have recently had my first birthday, and in a week 's time it will be the first Father 's Day, within a matter of weeks after that will be Tracy 's first birthday. Will it get easier after all these firsts? Maybe, I don 't really know. What I do know is that we have a great deal of friends who have been there for us and are always there for us. Some we know well and some we still have not met face to face.
We have been privileged to have been featured in our local paper a few times now and they are extremely supportive. As has the local BBC radio station.
So I guess that really brings me up to date now. I dare say that I will look at this again over the days, weeks, months or even years ahead and no doubt will add more to this at some stage.
Before You Went Away
We only got to hold you
Just before you went away
God took you to his angels
Where we shall meet again one day
We never heard your laughter
Or wiped a teardrop from your eye
We had little time to get to know you
Before we said goodbye
Now every time we see a rainbow
Or a bright and shining star
We can look towards the heavens
For we know that 's where you are
While all the other angels
Play with their new best friend
We that are left keep crying
Waiting for the pain to end
Those left behind will love you
Until each our dying day
For we only got to hold you
Just before you went away
For Sara Louise
24th July 2005
From Daddy
Heaven 's Playground
There 's a playground up in Heaven
Where all the children go
It 's a place that 's full of laughter
Unlike this world here below
There 's a playground up in Heaven
Where all our angels play
And the hearts there are so happy
Unlike our hearts feel today
There 's a garden up in Heaven
Where the roses blossom still
While below it feels like winter
All the angels feel no chill
In that garden up in Heaven
You will never find a tear
How we wish we could be with them
Or we still had them down here
There 's no crying in that playground
Just their happy faces there
There 's no pain and there 's no heartache
There 's no illness or despair
They 're too busy with their playing
They 're too happy making friends
It 's their parents wanting answers
And their broken hearts to mend
As they play in Heaven 's playground
All our little angels sing
They don 't question why they 're up there
They don 't ask for anything
All our children play together
In that playground in the sky
And someday we 'll play there with them
With no need to say goodbye
For All Our Little Angels
Nick
Angel 's Gone Away
The world keeps on turning
While for some it 's standing still
It 's the season to be happy
Parties, peace and goodwill
A special baby was born
On that first Christmas Day
Like we all need reminding
With our angel 's gone away
But the world keeps on turning
Just for us it 's standing still
People say that "Time 's a healer!"
For some it never will
Up go the decorations
And we 'll see a nativity play
But it 's hard to look at angels
When our angel 's gone away
And we 'll wrap up all our presents
Place them neatly by the tree
But there 's one or two gifts missing
Where our angels ' gifts should be
And although we may be hurting
We can look up high above
Then we 'll light up all our candles
So they might see our lights of love
Nick Oliver
Christmas 2005
Written for the SANDS Lights of Love Service December 2005
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