To be told at 35 weeks pregnant that my baby had no heartbeat is something I will never forget or ever really come to terms with.
I worried about a miscarriage in the early weeks but I didn't worry too much about my risk of having a Down's Syndrome baby even though I was 37. I'd had two perfect babies and a third would be the same wouldn't it?
How wrong I was. In the space of five minutes my life turned upside down. You don't expect to bury your children; they should bury you!
My son was born at 8.55pm on the 12th August 2005. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. The silence is the thing that will stay with me forever and seeing my beautiful son with his eyes closed. He was so still.
We had Albie Nicholas blessed at midnight and spent the whole night just holding him, talking to him and still I kept thinking this is not real, it's all a dream and I will wake up. But it wasn't a dream and I knew I had to say goodbye. Leaving the hospital empty handed left me broken hearted.
To go home and see all his clothes, his toys, his pram-cot and everything else that had been brought with such excitement, I felt so cheated, guilty even. I don't remember most of the weeks that followed apart from all the cards we received from friends and family.
We buried our son on the August 24th at 2pm, a day that is imprinted in my heart. All my dreams died that day as his coffin was lowered into the ground. At that point I only wanted to join him, nothing else mattered any more.
In time I did look on the SANDS' website to find to my horror that in the UK, 17 babies a day are stillborn or die in the first four weeks of life. I found myself joining a club I never wanted to join but really had no choice.
Family and friends have and continue to be wonderful but unless you have been through this you can't truly understand how it feels.
We waited 12 weeks for the appointment that would tell us what had gone so horribly wrong and at times I was so scared they would tell me I'd done something wrong, but they found no reason at all and again I found myself asking WHY? I think I will always question why?
It's now almost four months since my son died and I still don't know where I'm going some days. But I get up, I do the school run, I laugh sometimes, I cry a lot still, but I'm here putting one foot in front of the other.
I have to I carry my angel on my shoulder everywhere I go. He gives me the strength to go on and I live my life for him and because of him. I want him to be proud of me.
Albie 12th August 2005
© Lee Cavalli
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SANDS - Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Charity
