It is a fool who makes assumptions: assuming your new mother-in-law has a sense of humour; assuming that you have enough petrol to make it to the next service station; and assuming that your pregnant wife won't mind driving home after a night out.
I assumed quitting my job to spend time with my baby would go down well. I wasn't expecting anyone to start sewing a 'Superdad' patch on to my Y-fronts (not while I was wearing them, anyway), but given that most dads continue the relentless 9-to-5 regardless of the new arrival, I certainly expected my fair share of back-patting.
But the problem wasn't with my wife - we had talked it through, honest - but with her best girlfriends.
"Erm, this doesn't mean you can come along to all the lunches," said one, fiercely defensive of the female circle.
"Don't go getting under her feet," chided another, before arranging a strictly girls-only afternoon under my nose.
It got me thinking: do women really want a 'new man' around when a baby arrives? Maybe the maternal bond is so strong, having carried the baby for nine months, that while they want their man to be a dab hand in the kitchen, a stallion in the bedroom and a demon with a mop and bucket, the last thing women want is their partner to muscle in on the baby and their friends.
Over the last eight months I've seen my wife change wonderfully, both physically and mentally, as she prepares for the arrival of her first child. I've enjoyed massaging her feet, plumping up her cushions, making her the most ludicrous sandwiches du jour, and paying the cleaner. But at 36 she's waited long enough for this moment and nothing will come between her and the baby - arguably not even me.
She WANTS to do the night-time feeds. She WANTS to go out for coffee and lunch. And she WANTS to show the baby off at every opportunity.
I understand completely (or am not brave enough to broach the subject at the moment!). Pregnancy and motherhood IS an amazing time for women and no man can ever get close to that. But bonding between newborns and their dads is important too. You only have to look at a 30-second snapshot of Jeremy Kyle to see that dad-bashing, particularly those who are absent during their children's upbringing, has become something of a national pastime. Yet is it any wonder men don't have the same connection with their offspring as the mothers if hospitals, the Government and our own social circle derides our involvement?
I 'assumed' all midwives would love men to be involved in the pregnancy, yet the reality is often different. The two community midwives who visited us three months ago looked at me in horror as I opened the door to let them in.
"I'm working from home today so I could be here when you arrived," I offered, smiling like I'd had special training at RADA.
"Oh," said midwife number one.
"Oh," said midwife number two.
They sat in the living room and angled themselves towards my wife. Now I'm no expert in body language but I didn't really have to be. In fairness they did ask me one question: had I ever had any sexually transmitted diseases.
As for the Government, paternity pay is a national scandal. The grand sum currently stands at £117.18 per week for two whole weeks and essentially means that no man in a decent job can afford to take it. Even if you're earning the national average you will end up losing £600 for those two weeks. And if you're self-employed you don't get anything at all.
Despite all this, I handed in my notice a week ago. Our baby is due in three weeks and if all goes to plan (and I know only five per cent of babies arrive on their due date) I finish the day before junior arrives.
Yes, I know it's the credit crunch and I also know that my wife will have given up her job for a year, but I want to be there for my baby too and plumping up a cushion just isn't enough.
by
Nathan Rous - Dad-To-Be
October 2008
 I am writing a book on the reality of fatherhood which encourages dads to get more involved and I would love to hear from anyone if they have an interesting story to tell – mums or dads. Feel free to drop me a line at nathan@nathanrous.com |
Baby Beau's Birth
