Shelley's Story - In memory of Stevie
Having you, loving you, losing you....I can still remember everything as if it was yesterday. It was about three weeks after I had got married in Mexico, and I found out I was pregnant again for the second time. I was so excited. Having a little girl of 3 already, I prayed it would be a boy and my family would be complete.
The pregnancy went OK. I had the usual sickness and that. Then it came to my 20 week scan and I asked the big question: "Can you see what sex it is?" "Yes," the nurse replied, "It's a boy!" Oh my God, I thought as I turned to look at my husband Steve and we gave each other a huge smile. After coming out of the scan, I was so happy it was untrue. We both were. Yes, we were having a baby boy!
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I was in labour for two days and finally on the 9th of May 2006 at 10.49am I gave birth to a healthy baby boy, Stevie Jay-Jay Eagleton, weighing 6lb 6oz. (This was also my dad's 50th birthday).I never left his sideStevie was in the neonatal ward (SCBU) for a week as he was born at 36 weeks and his breathing was fast. For the time Stevie was in there, I never left his side. There lay my new born baby, helpless! All I wanted to do was pick him up and take him home. Instead I sat and cried. It was horrible seeing him like that. A week later the doctors where happy to let Stevie go home. I was beaming. Finally my little man was coming home. Things were great getting settled into our new life with our new baby son Stevie. Ella his big sister loved him so much.
Having Stevie at home was fantastic. I suppose having him away from me for the first week of his life made me feel I had to protect him and wrap him up in cottonwool. A mother's intuition! I never let him out of my sight, and at his first cry I would be there. I never wanted other people touching him even. He was my little man and I had my little girl Ella and I wasn't letting anything happen to them.
Then Saturday 29th July 2006 (oh, how I dread that date) came. Stevie was 11 weeks old, and just becoming a little character. I had taken Ella to her little friend's birthday party and then came home. I sat down and fed Stevie his bottle and put him down in his lay-down pushchair for a nap. He didn't sleep for long so I always kept an eye on him - checking him every 10 minutes.
I went into the kitchen and started some ironing. Then my next door neighbour called me so I went to the back door and spoke to her for a few minutes. After talking I went into the living room where Stevie was sleeping and checked him. He was fine. After finishing the ironing I went upstairs to the bedroom and began to make the bed. I heard the front door open and Steve coming in from work. He screamed: "Shell, no, Stevie!!!!"He had Stevie in his arms, cradling him and screaming "no, no"..I screamed, I ran downstairs and out the back door. I couldn't bring myself to face what had happened and screamed "It's Stevie, it's Stevie." I then ran in and Steve had Stevie in his arms, cradling him and screaming "no, no", trying to give him CPR. Stevie was blue/white, lifeless, not breathing.
At that Steve just ran out the front door and to our ambulance station. Ella and I ran behind him crying and screaming "no, please no!" I went with Stevie in the ambulance, to the hospital. Steve followed in a neighbour's car behind us. The ambulance men worked on him, trying so hard to get him breathing again, but I knew it was no good. He had gone, it was too late.
The doctors in the hospital did everything in there power that night to try and bring Stevie back, they brought his body back but they could not bring his brain back, as he had been without oxygen. They told us that he would gradually drift off. The doctors sat Steve and me down that night along with other family members around us and told us that, if Stevie was to live, he would be brain damaged, and he would have no quality of life. They told us they were going to take a breathing tube out of his mouth and that he would gradually drift off. It would be best if we went and said our goodbyes then and to go home and get anything that we might want him to be in.
My mum brought me home that night, and as I sat in the car I thought "it's all a dream, but if it's true how am I going to cope without him!" I got together Stevie's moses basket, his favourite blanket, his christening outfit, a picture of Steve and me, and a picture of Ella and Stevie together. Ella picked up a noddy toy and a elephant teddy.
When I arrived back at the hospital Stevie was still breathing. I held him, kissed him, cuddled him,and told him to prove all these doctors wrong and just to wake up and everything would be OK. But he still never moved. Ella came in the room and sang his favourite song "twinkle twinkle little star" (he stopped crying when she sang that to him), but still no movement.He had grown his angel wings and flown away.My dad and I re-dressed Stevie and put him in his christening outfit, which was to be in two weeks time, and lay him down on the bed. He was then put into a pram to go to the children's ward to drift off peacefully with his family around him in private. But, as the nurse pushed him down the corridor, I noticed he had gone pure white and was no longer breathing. This time he had definitely gone, he had grown his angel wings and flown away.
Stevie's funeral day was a wonderful send-off for him. We had a white carriage and two white horses. The church was packed. We had Twinkle Twinkle Little Star playing as Steve walked in carrying Stevie in his coffin with me and Ella walking beside him. We also had WestLife's song If I Let You Go and Mariah Carey's Against all Odds. His flowers where all done in baby blue and white and looked great. He was laid to rest on the 11th of August 2006. The sun was shining. Stevie Jay-Jay Eagleton is our star in the sky. He shines so bright.Part of us died with him.When Steve and I lost our baby son Stevie part of us died with him. I don't think it will ever be repaired. I think every parent who loses a baby or child to SIDS knows what I mean. We have to live the rest of our lives wondering why this happened to us.
Shortly after losing Stevie the only way I felt I could carry on and deal with losing him was to have another baby, and so I did. Stevie, our angel above, blessed us with twins, a baby boy and baby girl. Jamie and Lacie were born on the 31st of May 2007. They were healthy and happy. They are now 10 months old and doing great. They were not a replacement for Stevie, but they help our heartache.
With love from Shelley & Steve Eagleton - in memory of Stevie Jay-Jay
2008
S.I.D.S (written by Shelley on 24.01.07)
Why did you take him?
You took my only son,
I worshipped him like a god,
He was my no 1.
I never got a chance,
A chance to say "goodbye",
All I could do was sit and cry,
Reminisce of the times,
I held him in my arms,
Remembering his tiny hands and his tiny toes.
My baby son is fast asleep now,
You got what you wanted,
A beautiful baby boy,
That I so dearly wanted.
But remember he's mine,
not yours,
I'm his mummy,
I gave birth to him,
And I carried him in my tummy.
My love for you Stevie,
Grows more every day,
Nothing will ever take that away,
A cruel thing may have taken you,
Whilst you were happy sleeping,
But my heart for you will continue beating,
Until our paths meet again,
And I'll finish dreaming.
All our love hugs and kisses
Forever & always
Shelley Eagleton is organising a Mile in Memory walk as part of our Save a Baby Month campaign in memory of her son Stevie Jay-Jay.
See Save A Baby Month
For More Information About Sudden Infant Death
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