Building Self Confidence
I remember when my Dad died, a couple of years ago, looking back over our lives together and reflecting on what I truly loved and respected about him. Then it came to me, walking my dogs one day. The most precious gifts he had given me as a legacy were self confidence and self belief.In recent years the words “self confidence”, “self esteem” and “self belief” seem to have become fashionable buzz words that mean different things to different people, but generally self-esteem and self-belief come from the Latin “to estimate."
So self-esteem is how you rate yourself deep down. It is a belief and a confidence in your own ability and value. It is not the same as arrogance and a sense of superiority, but a gentle knowing that:
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 You like yourself.
You think you're a good human being.
You deserve love.
You deserve happiness.
You feel deep down in your inner knowing that you are an OK person.
But where does that ability come from?
I believe it initially comes from you - your child’s parent - as you are your child’s first role models and you play a major part in developing, nurturing and building your child’s confidence, their self esteem, and in the long term, their self belief.
During the early years your young child’s self-esteem is based largely on their perceptions of how you and the other important adults in their lives judge them.
I see your job as a parent similar to being a gardener - where you sow seeds of confidence through nurturing, watering and feeding your growing child’s self esteem through the words that you use, the actions that you take and the love and encouragement you give.
We are all born with our own personality traits, but it is not so much who we are when we are born that counts, but who we are encouraged and allowed to become.
Did you know on average, we have 90,000 thoughts a day and 60,000 of these are repetitive. Einstein observed that for every negative message your brain receives, it takes 11 or more positive messages to negate its effect! So you can see how important it is to teach your child to have nurturing, positive thoughts inside their heads and to think positively about themselves!
Choose your words carefully with your children - use them to build rainbows between you of respect and confidence not high walls of criticism and judgement.
So how do you rate yourself?
I also believe that parenting confidence is an “inside” job and is rather like developing
a muscle - if you use it regularly it will get stronger, and with regular exercise you will be able to cope with whatever life throws at you. With the same principle, if you fail to regularly exercise this muscle, it becomes weak and flabby, limp and weak. So the first place to look is at yourself and to notice how you view the world - how confident and positive do you feel inside because you will be passing that mindset and attitude on to your child unconsciously.
The powerful person is within, and it is my passion to help you give this wonderful gift to your children in every situation in life, whether its business, relationships or romance so they can give it to their children, like a ripple in a pond - each generation building on the last.
So how can you begin as the parent of a young child to begin this very important process?
The first place to start is to develop a strong healthy self image.
Strong healthy self image
Children need to be given a strong, healthy self-image, because from that solid foundation, everything else in life will become easier and more straightforward. Your current self-image is the result of the repeated messages and instructions you received as a child from your authority figures. The way you see yourself today, is the result of conditioning by your parents, family, teachers and other influential adults and peers in your life.
The way you think about yourself determines everything you do, say, act and believe because the world around you is a reflection of your inner world. Whatever you see outside you have a parallel inside.
The inner world is the one that gives you the feeling and belief that you are okay. The outer kind enables you to appear and behave in a manner that looks like you are self-assured. Both these inner and outer types of confidence support each other.
So develop your own self confidence first and then you will naturally and effortlessly pass that on to your children.
What you do, say and how you act really matter
A useful attitude to adopt as a parent is one of "awareness parenting" - by this I mean being constantly aware of the bigger picture. It's the destination of your parenting- the nurturing of the unique, happy, confident and well balanced adult that really matters.
So many parents are simply reactive and unaware of the impact that their words and actions have on their children. Children are sensitive and fragile and pick up very easily on the unkind or unsaid word and by the way you behave around them.
By being "aware," you react with intention, rather than by chance. It doesn't mean you are boring and can't be spontaneous or natural, but you hold the vision of where you are trying to get to together which is the bigger picture of raising happy, confident, well-balanced adults -today’s children but tomorrow’s future!
Keeping the bigger picture doesn't always come naturally to many people and by thinking about what you're doing doesn't take away all the fun and spontaneity from your parenting- it just changes your perspective. If you are a thoughtful parent, you are nurturing self-esteem all the time and influencing how your child views themselves for the rest of their lives.
I think a great question to ask yourself quickly in any situation is: “Is this bringing me closer to or further away from the relationship I want with my child?”
I always think keeping a sense of humour is enormously valuable too as it diffuses tension, lifts your mood and widens everyone's perspective. So relax and see your parenting as an adventure and enjoy the ride remembering that a smile is a curve that puts a lot of things straight!
Help your child feel special and appreciated
One of the main factors that contribute to your child becoming resilient and confident is by you focusing your energy on your child's strengths and not constantly picking up on their weaknesses.
Children are learning and developing their skills all the time - they need your patience and understanding when they make mistakes and get things wrong and you are teaching them that’s OK to make mistakes along the way to learning a new skill. It’s called experience.
One way for you to do this is to set aside "special times" during the week alone with each one of your children as this develops a real bond between you. It’s a great idea for you to say to your young child, "When I read to you or play with you, I won't even answer the phone if it rings" so they get to know this is their special time with you and it won’t be hijacked by anyone or anything else.
Also, during these special times, focus on things that your child enjoys doing so that they have an opportunity to relax and to display their strengths naturally and easily with you and when you praise them do it specifically.
Many parents just say “that’s lovely” to a child’s picture or piece of work but building true self esteem comes from being very specific in your praise and saying something like “I really love the yellow you chose for the sand in your painting it really reminds me of the beach on holiday and look you even remembered to put in the red boat we saw.” Children then feel you are really interested in what they are doing and they feel really valued for their efforts.
Spend time chatting and being with your children whatever their age - teenagers thrive on the attention of going shopping together, eating out with you or going to the cinema and these are easy ways to develop that special bond that shows you care about them.
Help your child to develop their problem-solving and decision-making skills
High self-esteem is associated with solid problem-solving skills so encourage your young child to “struggle” with their laces for a little bit longer or with doing up their coat buttons or trying to manipulate something. It builds up persistence and tenacity and they learn to develop a wonderful sense of achievement when they have achieved it for themselves. Be guided by your child’s age and personality but by developing their independence you give them a great gift.
Avoid comments that are judgmental and instead, frame them in more positive terms
One simple exercise I do with the parents I coach is to get them to stand on a piece of paper marked “My child’s point of view” as this helps them view the world from the perspective of their child’s shoes and socks and it can be really helpful!
Get a piece of paper and try the exercise - it’s really illuminating and you may discover something you hadn’t thought of before!
Imagine the world from your child’s point of view - what do they see, what do they hear, and how do they feel? Really relax and imagine it - if you don’t like what you discover don’t beat yourself up just make a few small changes this week that will make a big difference in the confidence of your little child.
Be an empathetic parent
Many well-meaning parents, out of their own frustration, have been heard to say such things as, "What’s the matter with you why don't you ever listen to me?" or "Why don't you use your brain for a change?"
If your child is having difficulty, think of some better ways to encourage them. What could you do differently that you’re currently doing to support them and to let them know you are alongside them and to acknowledge that you understand their emotion, frustration or fear?
Sometimes just by saying the obvious has a reassuring effect on a child “Oh I can see you’re angry…… frustrated…….disappointed…..”. Having someone who understands and acknowledges their emotion makes your child feel understood valued and respected.
Provide choices for your child
Providing small choices between two things really helps your child develop a sense of control over their lives and builds their self confidence. This will also minimise power struggles and tantrums whether they are toddlers or teens!
For example, ask your child if they would like to wear their green jumper or their blue jumper for today - or whether they would like to do their homework before or after they tidy their room. You still maintain control by making sure they are wearing a jumper as it’s cold outside, or get their homework done, but they feel they have made the choice and feel more independent. This helps to set the foundation of feeling in control of their lives which is great for their self confidence.
Do not compare siblings
It is important not to compare siblings as this teaches your child that they are not good enough just the way they are. It’s a negative, judgemental and disappointing way to try and motivate your child so stay firmly positive and highlight the strengths of all your children in your family to build confidence.
Highlight your child's strengths
Always be on the lookout for ways to praise what your child is good at - helping others, painting pictures, doing jigsaws, writing stories, playing the piano, or being cheerful. Make a list of your child's "islands of competence" or areas of strength and select one of these islands regularly to celebrate and find ways of reinforcing, displaying or acknowledging it. For example, if your child is a wonderful artist, display their artwork in the kitchen and change the pictures regularly.
Have expanding expectations and goals for your child
The development of self-control goes hand-in-glove with self-esteem and realistic expectations provide your child with a sense of control and can take away undue pressure when they are small. However, don’t limit or put a ceiling on what you think your child can achieve as that creates a limiting belief long term within them as they feel that they can’t ever achieve something above your expectations of them. Just be mindful of their age, skills and dexterity and let them explore their own potential.
Treating your child with respect
Your relationship with your child is the foundation of their relationship with others. If you treat your child with compassion, kindness and respect, they will grow up to be concerned about others, caring, considerate and respectful towards others too.
Respect is the key energy of a happy family, as it brings everyone together. It creates a strong family unit that can handle whatever challenges are thrown at it like divorce, bereavement, redundancy or any of life's ups and downs. When a parent shows respect and unconditional love it creates trust and the whole family learns this culture as well. Families don't die from their setbacks but they can wither and die from a negative, sarcastic, taunting or guilt ridden culture within a family.
So if you are being a respectful, positive and confident role model your child will respect you and learn to respect others and most importantly will learn to love and respect themselves - the key cornerstone in self esteem, self belief and self confidence.
Sue Atkins is a Parent Coach and Author of "Raising Happy Children for Dummies" one in the famous black and yellow series. She has written many books on self esteem, toddlers and teenagers and has a collection of Confident Parent Toolkits available from her website. To find out more about her work and to receive her free monthly newsletter packed full of practical tips and helpful advice for bringing up happy, confident, well-balance children go to => www.positive-parents.com
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