Being Dad director Troy Jones reveals four secrets to understanding what it’s like to be on the guy’s side of the bed.
If there’s one thought in that vacuous mind of your husband’s, it’s sex. He’s a man. He’s capable of thinking about sex during a funeral, a football game - even while eating dinner at your parents’ house. He just can’t control that part of his brain.
Sadly, if there’s ever a time in your relationship where your sexual timetables clash, it’s going to be the first 12 to 24 months after your baby is born.
There’s no consensus on whether having a baby chokes or revs up women’s sex drives. The best way I can sum it up is that you’ll probably experience periods of “Don’t come near me” and “I’m a raging nymphomaniac,” with relatively normal times in between.
I’m not qualified - or stupid enough - to try to coach women through all of their postpartum sexuality issues, but I can help you out when it comes to seeing things from his side. These four tips for broaching the topic of sex after baby with your baby-daddy can help you smooth out rough patches and figure out how to get back on track between the sheets.
1. Talk it out.Sex and intimacy are an important part of relationships. Do your best to communicate with him when problems arise and encourage him to do the same. Bear in mind, the wrong time to talk to him about it is between the sheets, fending off his advances. Choose a time… today, when sex is not even remotely on his agenda.
2. Accept that having kids changes things.Sex as you know it will change for the next few years. You’ll have less time, be more tired, and periodically despise each other for short periods of time. Sounds sexy, doesn’t it? On average, men don’t need a huge amount of sexual action. If you ever notice you have any sexual interest, jump on him, especially if he’s not expecting it. Spontaneity is one thing, but he’ll be happy with sex without spontaneity too. Date night, Wednesday night – whatever it is… just try your best to keep the date… if you miss it, he’ll feel let down.
3. Get what you need. If he’s doing something wrong, let him know. If it’s something completely unrelated to him or his actions—in or out of bed—explaining the problem will give you a chance to connect and ease worries he might be having over not being able to please you.
4. Understand that, to him, sex means love. Men tend to pout if they are not getting enough or withdraw if they are feeling sexually insecure. Why? Men tend to equate sex with love—so the more sex you’re having, the more they feel you love them. So what’s the solution when a woman is just too tired or not in the mood? What can she do to ease her man’s concern that she doesn’t love him as much or enough? Realise that he only NEEDS sex every week or two, and he only bugs you when his needs aren’t being met. Don’t wait til he’s bugging you… take it off the list when you have some energy to spare. If you initiate it, he probably only needs it half as often, mainly because he knows that you still think of him that way.
Sex is the best fun you can have for free. There are millions of reasons and excuses not to do it, and sometimes you just can’t, logistically or physically. Make time for it. “Of course he’d say that,” you might be thinking, “He’s a man!” My point exactly.
Troy is the director of the heartwarming, informative documentary movie 'Being Dad' and father of 4 year old Matilda and 6 month old Charlie. For more, see www.beingdad.co.uk
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July 2010 |
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